Many times, it can be pretty difficult to singularly define infidelity and what’s considered cheating because people think differently about what constitutes appropriate versus inappropriate behaviour.
The only real way to define cheating and infidelity is if you personally feel your expectations of faithfulness have been violated. Are you feeling anger, bitterness, sadness, and betrayal as the result of the questionable behaviour?
Another important key here is to discuss what commitment means to you. If you haven’t explicitly discussed commitment, it is safe to assume you don’t have one and it is unfair to hold the other person to something they have not agreed upon.
The essence of cheating is betraying your partner’s trust. This could manifest itself in a full-blown physical affair, an emotional affair, or an online interaction. Fidelity means loyalty. Being loyal to your spouse means not shifting your emotional focus elsewhere. When you choose to focus elsewhere you betray your partner’s trust and that betrayal can be equally devastating regardless of what it actually looks like.
How do you then know if you are cheating? The only way to be certain about what you and your partner consider cheating is to have an honest and thorough discussion about it, ideally before it becomes a problem.
The more open and honest you are, the better chance your relationship has of surviving.
Most cheating arises when couples don’t take the time to discuss the issue in great detail. When you tell your partner that cheating and/or infidelity is a dealbreaker full stop, but avoid explaining exactly what behaviours you detest, any and all perceived transgressions are left open to interpretation.
What kinds of behaviours and relationships are okay? Is it okay to sext someone else? What about watching porn with them, even if you don’t touch? Is it okay to go to strip clubs or to have long phone conversations with another person at night?
You’ll both need to communicate, in no uncertain terms, what you both define as cheating, infidelity, and any other behaviour that rides a fine line of impropriety. While it may not be a particularly easy discussion (and personal views may differ), it’s still best to talk it out and share your feelings regardless of how your partner may respond. Warning: Initially, you may both find it hard to see from opposite perspectives, or you may even be accused of overreacting.
It’s important to remember that your feelings are always valid, no matter what. And although you can’t compel someone to adopt your personal views on cheating, you can express the hurt caused by said behaviour. It’s a sad day when you’re forced to come to terms with the fact that your partner might never provide validation or change their behaviour, but you still retain the power to choose whether to simply live with it or move onto another, more trusting, happier, and long-lasting relationship.
Maybe your partner has been acting suspicious or doing things that you consider cheating. If you think they might be cheating on you, now is the time to have a conversation about your concerns. Anxiety will only continue to build if you don’t talk with your partner about how you’re feeling.
It’s possible that your partner doesn’t know that what they’re doing is hurting you. And just because someone cheats does not mean they don’t love you or want to stay in a relationship with you.
Be honest and brave, and have a conversation with them. Women and men can experience their lowest moments in life when they find out they’ve been cheated, but until you talk to your partner about it, you’ll never know what could have been.
If you are in an abusive relationship or one where this seems to be a recurring problem, it could be time to get professional help and think about how to get out of it. No one deserves to be hurt or feel unloved in a relationship.
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