At a point in time we must have assumed that when we found the “ideal” person and was in the “ideal” new relationship, it was going to be easy, and was going to feel comfortable and safe all the time.
We must have been floating on clouds, feeling blissful and light, and we’d love everything that person did all the time. That’s what being with ‘The One’ would feel like. We expect affection, compassion, respect, consideration, time, interest, intimacy, generosity, and many more.
Learnings have come to show, through countless emotional outbursts, anxious moments, doubt-filled thoughts, hard conversations, and extreme emotional discomfort, that our belief of the “ideal relationship” was pretty misguided.
The ideal relationship doesn’t always feel comfortable, but you always feel comfortable and safe sharing with your partner, no matter how long you’ve been together or being through.
Careful study has shown that all new relationships have stages. These stages can seem scary and can inflict doubt. Hope to shed some light on these stages and help you feel more comfortable with experiencing them for yourself.
Stage One: New Relationship (Bliss)
The first stage in most new relationships is bliss! We are perfect, the other person is perfect, and the relationship just flows. You make time for one another however you can, you communicate with each other constantly, and it just feels easy. I am sure you beginning to nod your head as you read and tell yourself; that’s true.
There are no triggers or things the other person does to upset you, the attraction is unreal, and you think, “This is it! I found them! My person. Finally. I found peace and rest.”
You talk every day. You’d get the “good morning beautiful” and “how has your day been” text when at work, and then talk or see each other on most nights.
At this stage, both parties put forth equal effort to get to know one another, and are open and loving toward any part of each other’s behavior. There is patience, understanding, and joy in getting to know each other’s thoughts, and patterns, and seemingly limitless energy to listen, talk and sympathize with one another’s emotions.
This first stage sets a foundation for the relationship and builds connection, but there’s just one small problem: It never seems to last! Does this mean we aren’t meant to stay with that person? Nope. Not at all.
Though it can feel very much like this, it only means that your relationship is changing, and that’s okay. It’s completely natural, and this process of change is what makes us into an even deeper connection if both partners are open to going there.
Stage two: The Inevitable (When One Person’s Fear Shows Up)
So what exactly is happening when the dreaded, inevitable “turn” happens? You know the one. We feel like the other person is either pulling away or becoming more controlling, our “good morning, have a good day” messages have become less frequent or stopped, and we feel like we are becoming distant from each other.
There’s a big shift when our comfort level eventually builds in a relationship and we let our guard down a bit. This seems to be the perfect time for our fear to kick in. This is what happens most times, “the fear”.
Things like the “good morning beautiful” messages not showing up, as usual, having plans besides spending hours with you on Friday night, and conversations dwindled a bit.
You no longer feel emotionally stable, relaxed, or happy. Most times upset, feeling anxious, and taken advantage of, and your mind coming up with a million reasons as to why you being treated unfairly.
You start asking yourself questions like if you unnecessarily needy or someone who wasn’t okay with her partner doing normal things? Was it something you did wrong? Did you expect too much? Were you being completely unreasonable? Or did you just have too many problems?
Most of the time we aren’t aware of what’s really going on; we just notice we feel differently. We might think it’s because our partner’s behavior has changed, but what’s really going on is that our past has crept into this new relationship.
Our past fears, hurts, and childhood wounds have surfaced for more healing, and if we aren’t aware of this, our new, wonderful, blissful relationship begins to feel just like the rest of them: disappointing, suffocating, abandoning, unsupportive, untrustworthy, and unloving.
The appearance of this fear is a natural, necessary step in any relationship, though, and we need to embrace it rather than run away from it. This is when a lot of relationships end, but they don’t have to if both partners want to stay and build on this stage.
Stage Three: Communicating the “Fear”
Learnings have shown that we must communicate our fear, whether we are the one who experiences it first or the one who sees the change and doesn’t know why.
You can start the conversations by saying something like “I’ve felt a shift in the energy of our relationship, and I’m feeling anxious about this change. I’m even nervous to talk to you about it because I don’t want to put pressure on you, but I need to communicate what’s going on for me. Can we talk about this a bit?”
This can be challenging if we aren’t aware of what is really going on, but let that shift, that change, that first feeling of doubt be your signal that fear has entered the relationship. And know that it’s okay for it to be there!
Never feel upset you have to force yourself to bring up the fear of your relationship ending, fear of being abandoned and fear that you and your partner would never connect on a deep level. There is no shame in having these fears, and it’s not a sign that the relationship is doomed.
The fear is there as a message. It’s asking to be listened to and it is a gift necessary for our own growth. When we share our fears and own that part of us, we’re not blaming the other person. We don’t share our fears to have the other person change or to have them fix us, but merely to allow our hearts to open up.
By owning up, we are taking care of our own healing, and this is what keeps our past from damaging the relationship in the future. It’s how we clear our past patterns and allow ourselves to move forward in a new and healthy way with someone else.
The best part is that we get to see how our partners handle this as well. Our relationships need this stage and this shift from the easy, wonderful bliss, because, without it, our bonds would never grow.
If things are easy all the time, where is the room for true, deep intimacy? How do we learn to truly support our significant others, and ourselves, if we never experience pain, anxiety, anger, or annoyance?
We don’t, and that’s why after years of being with someone, we can feel like we don’t know them. If we’ve remained closed off and worked our hardest to keep things going smoothly, we only know that level. And the truth is there are deeper, richer, more intimate layers to us as humans and to our relationships.
Once you have opened your heart and begun communication around your fear, a small amount of vulnerability has been introduced into the relationship, and there is room for your partner to do the same. There is room for you to grow together.
The Final Verdict
Stay connected to yourself and speak your truth—the whole, messy, amazing truth. Let your partner see the whole you, quirks and all, and enjoy taking your walls down together, brick by brick. This is the truth you should expect in the new relationship you are going into.
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