Domestic violence has become a common trend in our contemporary society. It affects the rich, poor, weak, and strong. It is non-discriminatory but dangerous and sad. Both men and women experience domestic violence. This article will, however, explore various issues surrounding domestic violence as it affects women with reference to a true life experience. It will point out ways to identify a violent man and how to save yourself if you’re stuck with one already.
Domestic Violence: A Survivor’s Story
A lady shared the story of how she ended her marriage of three years with me. She was a victim of domestic violence and left after a near-death experience. In her words she said,
“I left my marriage running out naked at night. It felt like I was given a last chance to make a choice. I either spent the next few minutes taking my last breath or swallowing my shame and running out in my nakedness”
The Sweet Begining
According to her story, her marriage started off as her ‘dream come true’. She had the most romantic courtship. He was the type to send flowers and gifts spontaneously, book a spa session when she complained of stress, and send her surprise breakfast, lunch, and dinner occasionally. He was harsh but what she saw back then was a man who was strict and disciplined. She noticed the way he would snap at a waiter at the slightest delay, bark at his junior staff for minor mistakes and occasionally scold her for being late for a date.
The difference, however, was the fact that he always apologized with pleasant gifts whenever he raised his voice at her. “It was very cute at the time,” she said. Sometimes I longed for a misunderstanding because it always ended with an expensive gift. “He hit me only once throughout our 8 months relationship” and I was convinced that was a mistake. He apologized and promised never to do it again and he never did until a few months after the wedding. Once he resumed, it became a daily routine. She thought the beating would subside when she got pregnant but it didn’t. It wasn’t as frequent but he didn’t stop.
After they had their daughter and more needs set in, the experience became worse. It was hard for her to make a request. “He had the money but would find fault in the way I make my requests” she had said. Soon she started funding the upkeep of the house and the baby from her purse to avoid a scene.
Her Challenge
Speaking up became a problem because she was a public figure. She had a fairytale engagement and a state-of-the-art wedding ceremony. Her engagement and wedding ceremony was on some blogs. Her social media platforms were decorated with lovely pictures and videos of the couple and their two-year-old daughter. Everything about her marriage screamed perfection. A rich and handsome husband, a comfortable house, a luxury home, luxury accessories, and an adorable daughter. The thought of what people would say if she speaks up plagued her and kept her silent throughout those years.
Her Desperate Action
It was 2:00 am the day she ran out naked from home. He was drunk and she had noticed his pattern. Whenever he was drunk, sad, angry, or frustrated she was in trouble. These were the biggest triggers for him. On that night, he returned home drunk. Their daughter had run to welcome daddy in excitement but he carelessly shoved her aside. She would’ve hurt herself because she was so close to the stairs. “What would have happened if our daughter had rolled down the stairs? I couldn’t take it so I called him out on it.”
When she did, he did not hesitate to transfer his aggression. The next few minutes were punctuated with kicks, slaps, and punches. He tore her nightgown in a struggle with their daughter who was now crying. Afterward, he reached out for a piece of furniture. He was still struggling with lifting it up when she carried their daughter and ran out of the house. It was about 10:00 pm in the middle of the night.
She had no time to pick up her phone. After waiting in hiding outside the gate for some minutes, she crept back into the compound, picked a wrapper hanging on the line, and was fortunate to find a taxi driver who took them to her friend’s house. From there she was able to go back to her parents and consult the right authorities for support.
Throughout her narrative, one thing made me sad the most. This would’ve been avoided but she chose to turn a blind eye to the signs at its early stage.
The Problem Of Domestic Violence Victims
This story tells us one thing. Many women consciously walk into violent marriages. The diamonds, and designer accessories a man gifts you with cannot save your life. One little mistake and a violent encounter can end your life. I have heard true stories of women who have been choked, beaten, or strangled to death by their spouses. Most men had no intention of killing their wives but in their rage, a mistake happens. Some roll down the stairs, get accidentally stabbed, suffer a disastrous fall or suffer internal and external injuries that lead to their demise. You have a lot ahead in life to risk losing your life to someone else’s carelessness. But will women listen? No!
He apologized. He sent me gifts and flowers. His mother called and promised to talk sense into him. I am with him only for the sake of our children. blah… blah … blah. These excuses are not worth it. A violent environment is not even healthy for your kids both physically, mentally, and psychologically. Therefore, if you are in a violent relationship or marriage, take the right actions now!
How to Know a Violent Man
If you’re in a relationship that is headed for marriage be careful not to end up in an abusive marriage. Here are some traits to look out for. They are red flags that indicate a prospective abuser.
How he talks to his parents and outsiders
It is a common saying that your spouse will eventually treat you how they treat others, especially their parents. If a man scolds his mom, then you are not far from receiving yours. If a man threatens his parents, nothing makes you different from them—only time. Once familiarity kicks in, these traits will begin to creep out. The lady in our story observed her husband scold waiters and other acquaintances around him. She didn’t bother because he treated her “differently”. Barely three years down the line and she has experienced worse. If a man is violent to others, your experience with him will be worse because he has “a punching bag around “ 24/7. Be observant.
He Jokes About Domestic Violence
Violent men sometimes cannot hide who they are no matter how hard they try. Sometimes men make careless statements that implicate them. I remember one of my friends who had a suitor that will always joke about how women sometimes deserve the beating they get. “They can be too troublesome,” he said. “When you beat them once, they become calm”. She was shocked by his statement. This man looked far from violent but with this mindset? It was a no for her. It was then she recalled how he jokingly says things like. “If you do that, I will beat you”. Even though he makes jokes out of it, it was a huge red flag for her. There is nothing amusing about domestic violence.
Persistence to do his bidding
Men are egoistic in nature. Sometimes, they just want you to do as they say. On the contrary, as separate individuals, a woman may not always be in agreement with her man’s decision. While some men ignore behaviors like this, some compel you to do as they wish. Compelling men are dangerous. One day you will get fed up and things could escalate at the slightest disagreement.
He Disrespects You
A man who disrespects you has tendencies of being violent. It takes self-discipline for a man who disrespects you to keep himself from hurting you behind closed doors. Disrespect means he cares less about you and more about himself and his ego. If he scolds you, snaps at you, or talks to you disrespectfully in public, nothing keeps him from raising his hands on you in private. Therefore, I will advise you to leave the relationship if you notice continuous disrespect.
His Reaction to ‘Disrespect’
Men love respect but the reaction of a violent man is different when he senses disrespect. An average man can express dissatisfaction and offense. Many will walk out on you or give you the silent treatment. Some would even tell you outrightly that they feel disrespected and occasionally raise their voice in the process. That is normal. But when a man gets furious and frequently dishes out threats at the slightest feeling of disrespect, that is a red flag. It means if you repeat that behavior in marriage he can hit you. Remember, when they start, they never stop.
Trust Your instincts
A woman’s instinct is highly trustworthy. Sometimes, you cannot place your hand on an odd feeling but deep down you know something is wrong. Please, do not ignore that feeling if it persists. Before saying I do, ensure that your heart is at peace with your instincts and decisions. If your instincts say he may be violent, then the possibility is at 75-80%.
5 Steps to Freedom from domestic violence
Talk to someone
This may be hard and embarrassing to do but it is the very first step to take in a situation of abuse. Abuse can mentally affect one severely. It is the reason many commit suicide. It also results in several health conditions that can cut your life expectancy short. Therefore, it is advisable to first let it out of your chest. Talk to someone that can understand you and advise you.
Make Alternative Plans for your Safety
I understand that leaving is not so easy for many women. The question of where to stay, how long to stay, and how to fend for yourself and your kids pops up. In many cases, there are no alternatives asides from the man’s house. If you fall under this category, do not lose hope instead start planning early. While you plan, try as much as you can to avoid any provocation that will attract further abuse or violence from the man. Here are some alternatives you can explore:
- Contact the nearest domestic violence shelter. Some of them include; the Women Safehouse Initiative in Ibadan, and the Center for Abused Women in Lagos. Read this to discover other aids and shelters for abused women.
- Contact friends or family that can accommodate you urgently.
- Get a job or a handiwork that can bring some cash to the table
- Consider the best time to leave
Leave with your children to a safe place
The alternative plans you have made earlier will determine when and where you will leave to. Before leaving, however, make sure the time is safe for yourself and your children. Do not leave in the early hours of the morning or wee hours of the night. Late morning or midday is the best time to leave because getting help and avoiding trouble outside is easier. In addition to that, if there is a disappointment in accommodation, it is easier to go back home and replan without your husband knowing about your attempt to leave.
Take Legal Actions
Now you are in a safe space. The next thing to do is to make a report to a law enforcement agency. It is best to talk to a lawyer and report the case in court. This way you have legal coverage and this strengthens your protection. At his point, you can file for a restraining order. This would attract sanctions against him if he attempts to harm you or your children. Learn more about how to get a restraining order here in Nigeria.
The Final Decision: Separate, Reconcile, or File for a divorce
The last step to take is your final decision. This will determine what the future would hold for you. You can either decide to remain separated, dissolve the marriage or reconcile. Whichever decision you make has its pros and cons.
Separation
One can remain separated for as long as possible but the legal backup to keep the abusive spouse away from yourself and the children may not be solid over the years. Opt for a separation if you have plans of reconsidering a reconciliation. Learn more about the legal implications of separation.
Divorce
A divorce is final. Therefore, it is a tough decision to make. I will advise you to think it through thoroughly before opting to dissolve the marriage. Read this to learn more about the divorce process in Nigeria.
Reconciliation
Even though reconciliation will offer you some days or weeks of peace, it is very likely that the violence may resume. It is therefore best to seek counseling after both parties have reconciled. This way, a professional can walk you and your spouse through the healing process.
Learn more about knowing when to end an abusive relationship.
Conclusion
The fight against domestic violence is a continuous one. While there are organizations set up to help you, it is crucial you help yourself too. Do not die in silence. Speak up and get the help needed. For single ladies, be careful before getting roped into forever with a man. Follow the tips in this article to confirm if your man is abusive. Let us work together to curb domestic violence.
