Most, if not all of us have experienced unreciprocated love at one stage in our lives and the feeling could be unimaginable. The pain of becoming attached to someone in a way that isn’t mutual can be so unbelievably traumatizing.
We question. Why doesn’t he/she like me back? What’s wrong with me? I have so much to offer, why doesn’t she see that? Why is he/she with that guy/girl, I’m so much better for him/her?
We sometimes lose a part of who we are because we are so fixated on pleasing them. We spend so much time giving mental attention to them that it takes the focus off of what we need to fix in us.
When you love someone who doesn’t love you back, it can take a long time to accept that it’s virtually impossible for things to work out. It can be so easy to convince yourself that their feelings could change in the future, but most times this is not what happens. This false hope can lead to a vicious cycle of pain, frustration, and disappointment — a far cry from what a balanced and healthy relationship should be.
To mention a few, here are examples of types of such relationships:
- Distance Obsession: This is the obvious one. You’re head over heels for someone who doesn’t even know you exist or perhaps you’re madly in love with a friend or acquaintance who is, for one reason or another, completely unattainable. It’s easy to say this happens majorly in movies but unfortunately, our minds are powerful, if we want something bad enough, we don’t need much to believe the person is within our reach.
- The Cycle: This is a type of relationship is by far the most common and the most delusional. This relationship involves someone whom we might have had a short-lived love with and hold on to the hope that somehow the “love” will be rekindled, while we’re willing to wait around forever because we simply refuse to accept that it is gone. When you started dating, you could have sworn up and down that no one had ever experienced the type of connection the two of you had. You ignore all signs telling you it’s over and despite the overwhelming pain and nights spent crying, the smallest part of you holds on for dear life.
- The Zoning: This one is perhaps one of the most relatable: you gather up the balls to express your undying devotion – or mere attraction- to this person only to get rejected with the standard, “Oh you’re sweet… but you’re not really my type.” Or worst, “But we’re such good friends, I couldn’t have thought…” What sets you apart from the rest of the world is that you don’t just walk away in defeat and go for your next potential obsession; you wallow in misery and refuse to accept rejection.
WHY DO YOU GET STUCK?
We get stuck majorly cause of two reasons, wishful thinking, and ego.
Wishful Thinking: There are a few stages of denial: Let your friends give you a full textbook as to the reasons why you need to move on and you would remain there, glossy-eyed, and oblivious. That’s the worst stage that needs most intervention.
The lesser and more common stage is when you’re totally AWARE of every single reason you need to stop loving the person… yet you simply CAN’T and you don’t know why. I’ll tell you why, it’s because deep inside, there is the last ray of wishful thinking. Like cancer, it multiplies at the sign of hope for survival. And really, no matter how large or small, the potential damage is the same.
Our Ego: We never admit it, but deep inside you’re wondering, “How can this person not see how much of a catch I am?” “Do you know how many people are wishing I am theirs?” You can’t help but wonder what the person is seeing in his/her lover. This way of thinking is pretty harmless. In fact, having an ego about the situation can help you realize you are too good for such pain and rejection. However, it takes nothing more than a little push or even a simple check-up and you’re back into delusion land; you once again believe you’re enough for her and she will come to you telling you how she has been wrong or blind all the while.
HOW TO GET YOURSELF OUT OF THE SITUATION
Note that the very best also suffer rejection. The good news is that sometimes rejection is not always permanent or it is a case of one door closing and another (better one!) opening. Now that you understand what being in an unreciprocated love is, you need to acknowledge that you are in the situation and then you can take steps listed below
Determination: Before you begin any life-changing process you must ask yourself how determined you are to actually do it. On a scale of 1-10 how close to a 10 are you? Because without determination you can’t accomplish anything challenging as in this case of getting past a lost love. You will find yourself going back to what you are fighting against.
So are you ready to do this? Is there any part of you that is holding on to the possibility that things could work out? Do you feel like you aren’t strong enough to do this yet?
If the answer to any of these questions is a YES then perhaps you should wait a bit longer before you begin this process. Time is a great healer and with some time you will get stronger and be ready to take on this challenging task.
The Learnings: Take note of how you were acting around your person of interest. What would you have done differently? How can this painful experience help you grow? Remaining calm and doing this will help you in the future so that you will either be happy or be in a better place if another rejection is forthcoming.
Isolate: Stop all contact. Truth be told, it will be very hard especially when the person knows you’ve got feelings for them. Humans could be greedy and selfish most times. Sometimes you are always kept around just in case there is a need from you. If you work together, cut the chit chat and let conversations be polite small talk. Have the courage to delete an email address, phone number, and unfriend who you have to on any social platform. It sounds a bit harsh, right, but you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, and if it’s going to keep you from cyberstalking and late-night texting, then so be it. Can you get over it without isolating yourself? Maybe, but are you willing to risk it?
Make A List:
“First List: How do you know that he/she doesn’t love you?”
There are reasons why you feel like he doesn’t love you.
Perhaps he/she no longer makes an effort to spend time with you. Or he/she doesn’t return your text messages.
You know what I am talking about. Those things in your gut, telling you that this relationship is wrong. Those things you are ignoring…
“Second List: What are you lying to yourself about?”
Are there some things that you are doing to talk yourself out of the fact that he/she doesn’t love you?
Do you think that if you just do this ONE thing he/she will start loving you again? Or perhaps you wonder how could he not love you because you know you are awesome?
Take a true accounting of those things that you are doing to justify staying in this relationship and take a good hard look at them. Without understanding them, you won’t be able to let him go.
“Third List: What do you want in a relationship?”
If you don’t know what you want in a relationship then you will most definitely be more likely to stay in one that isn’t serving you.
Take some time and write down what you want in a relationship. Most likely you will find that what is important to you isn’t present in your current relationship.
Once you have made your lists, refer to them often.
When we are in the midst of emotional turmoil our brains get cloudy and we can’t think clearly. If you have lists in front of you, lists that can remind you of why you have to break up with this person, you will be able to stay steadfast in your determination to get it done!
Finally, you should know that rejection simply means that you are living life. Walt Disney had no imagination, the Beatles would never make it in music, Albert Einstein would never amount to much. We have all seen the meme. Know this; rejection is a part of life and it will happen from time to time. It is up to you to keep searching within you, to never be discouraged from living your life to the fullest.
Keep going; there is always someone who will appreciate you.
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